Someone Else’s Bad Behavior Is Not Your Character Flaw
There’s something I’ve learned about people, relationships, and even myself over the years:
Sometimes the person who did something wrong will have you questioning whether you were wrong for addressing it.
Read that again.
Because if you’ve ever walked away from a conversation replaying everything in your head, wondering if you were too harsh, too sensitive, too direct, or if you should have just kept quiet, you probably know exactly what I mean.
Something happened and you noticed it.
Maybe you were hurt by it or a boundary was crossed. There might have been something that just simply didn’t sit right with you and when you took the effort to address it, the other person became very defensive instead of becoming willing to have an honest and healthy conversation about it.
They might have even gotten loud or mean or even shut down. Maybe they started pointing out everything they believed you had done wrong and before you knew it, the conversation wasn’t about what happened anymore.
It’s now about you. Now you’re explaining your tone or defending your intentions. You might even be trying to prove you weren’t trying to hurt them and later when that conversation is over, you find yourself sitting there wondering:
Did I handle that wrong?
Was I too harsh?
Did I make too much out of this?
Should I have just let it go?
Am I the problem?
Be Careful What You Pick Up
This is where I want you to be careful, because you can walk into a conversation knowing exactly what bothered you and walk out carrying guilt that was never yours to begin with.
Someone else’s defensiveness can make you question your discernment and their anger can make you question your delivery.
Their unwillingness to take responsibility can have you searching yourself for something you can take responsibility for just to make the situation feel better. And if you’re someone who naturally cares about other people’s feelings, this can be especially difficult.
You don’t want to hurt anyone and you don't want there to be conflict. Your goal is to be fair and make sure you're seeing the situation correctly; and these are all good qualities.
But those same qualities can work against you when they cause you to take responsibility for things that don’t belong to you.
Someone else’s bad behavior is not your character flaw.
Self-Reflection Is Not the Same as Self-Blame
Now, I’m a big believer in looking at ourselves. I don’t believe growth comes from walking through life assuming everyone else is always the problem.
There will be times when we need to apologize or realize with some conversations, we could have handled things better. There will also be moments when our tone was wrong, our timing wasn’t good, or our emotions got the best of us.
When that happens, we have to own it and that’s called maturity. But there’s an important difference between self-reflection and self-blame.
Self-reflection asks, “Is there anything here that I genuinely need to take responsibility for?” Self-blame asks, “What did I do to make this person behave this way?”
Those are not the same question.
You can reflect on your behavior without taking responsibility for theirs. You can also apologize for your tone without apologizing for your boundary. You can even acknowledge that you could have communicated something differently without deciding that what happened to you was acceptable. And you can love someone while still expecting them to take responsibility for the choices they made.
Don’t Let the Conversation Get Redirected
One of the things I’ve learned to pay attention to is what happens after an issue is brought into the light.
You can say, “This hurt me.” And all of a sudden, the conversation becomes about how you said it.
You can say, “That wasn’t okay with me.” And now you’re being told you’re too sensitive. You can establish a boundary, and suddenly you’re selfish.
You can ask a question, and somehow you’re accused of creating a problem simply because you noticed one.
Before long, you can become so busy defending yourself that you forget what you originally came to discuss and that’s when you have to come back to the truth.
What happened before the reaction?
What caused you to speak up in the first place?
What did you see?
What did you hear?
What didn’t sit right with you?
What boundary was crossed?
Go back there.
Because someone else’s reaction to being confronted with something uncomfortable does not automatically erase the reason the conversation needed to happen.
Their Discomfort Doesn't Automatically Mean You Were Wrong
This is something I wish more people understood.
Someone being upset with you doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong. Someone disagreeing with your boundary doesn’t make the boundary unreasonable. Someone not liking your decision doesn’t mean you have to change it.
And someone becoming defensive when you tell the truth doesn’t automatically make your truth unkind.
Sometimes you simply brought something into the light that another person wasn’t ready, or willing to face.
Their discomfort belongs to them and your responsibility is to make sure you are showing up in a way that aligns with who you want to be.
Were you honest?
Were you respectful?
Did you communicate what you needed to communicate?
Is there anything you genuinely need to own?
If there is, own it.
And then stop searching for something else to feel guilty about simply because the other person is unhappy.
Trust Yourself Again
For some, this goes much deeper than one difficult conversation.
You may have spent years being taught not to trust yourself.
You were told you were too sensitive.
You were told you misunderstood.
You were told it wasn’t that serious.
You learned to second-guess what you saw, what you felt, and what you knew.
Eventually, you may have gotten so accustomed to checking with everyone else that you stopped checking in with yourself.
That’s why part of becoming the person you were created to be is learning to trust yourself again.
Not blindly or arrogantly, but confidently enough to know that someone else’s reaction does not get to determine your reality.
You can listen.
You can reflect.
You can pray.
You can make adjustments when they’re necessary, and you can still trust what you know.
Find Her. Free Her. Be Her.™
This is part of what my Find Her. Free Her. Be Her.™ movement means.
Find Her.
Find the woman underneath all of the second-guessing. The woman who knows when something doesn’t feel right. The woman who has spent too much time questioning herself because someone else didn’t want to be questioned.
Free Her.
Free her from the belief that keeping everyone comfortable is her responsibility. Free her from unnecessary guilt. Free her from apologizing for every boundary, every honest conversation, and every decision someone else doesn’t understand.
Be Her.
Be the woman who can examine herself without abandoning herself.
Be the woman who can say, “I could have handled that part differently,” without turning that into, “Everything was my fault.”
Be the woman who no longer needs another person’s approval before she trusts what she already knows.
Because sometimes growth isn’t about becoming someone completely different. Sometimes it’s learning to stop carrying things that were never yours.
So the next time someone else’s behavior leaves you questioning your character, ask yourself:
Is there something here that is truly mine to own, or am I carrying guilt that belongs somewhere else?
Own what’s yours.
Learn from what’s yours.
Make right what’s yours.
But then give yourself permission to put down the rest.
Someone else’s bad behavior is not your character flaw.
And you do not have to carry guilt that doesn’t belong to you.
Subscribe to my email list for practical tips and strategies designed to empower you to live the life YOU were CREATED to live.
A heartfelt space dedicated to nurturing your personal growth and well-being. With empathy and compassion, we explore topics that resonate with the soul, offering insights and tools to support you in embracing your authentic essence.