How to Honor the Parent Who Abused You

Transforming Pain into Personal Growth and Understanding

The Bible talks about honoring our parents. Specifically, Exodus 20:12 says to “Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land your God is giving you”
(NIV).

But how do you do it? How do you honor the parent who has spent a majority of your life dishonoring you?

I’ll be the first to tell you: it’s hard—likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. I believe God had a reason for commanding us to honor our parents. He knew not all parents would be perfect and that some would hurt their children. Perhaps that’s why He gave this commandment: when you honor the parent who hurt you—showing kindness, compassion, and understanding—you begin to heal from the hurt they inflicted. You let go and become free from their toxicity because, in forgiving them, you acknowledge an important fact:

What they did to you and how they hurt you was never about you. It was never about your worth or who you are; it was about them and who they are—or who life caused them to become.

The moment God put this realization into my heart, a weight lifted. With this understanding, you can see that abusive parent for who they are—perhaps someone broken who couldn’t be the parent you needed. Their hurtful words may still sting, but you’ll know who they are—and who you are in Christ.

It’s not that their hateful remarks or toxic behavior no longer hurt; it’s that, with God’s help, you can protect yourself while still honoring them.

It took a long while to get here, but by God’s grace I found practical ways to honor my parent while living a peaceful, peace-filled life. Here are some of those measures:

Choose to Seek a Closer Relationship with God

Drawing near to God helped me see He is more of a parent to me than my earthly parents—and He will never abuse me. The closer I got to God, the more I realized that honoring my parents was also about honoring Him.

Honoring a hurtful parent doesn’t mean allowing ongoing access to harm. It means surrendering your pain to God and letting Him guide your steps.

Whatever your parent does, see God as your true Father. As you honor Him by honoring them, He will comfort and protect you.

Choose to Not Speak Hatefulness

The natural reaction is to speak ill of a parent who hurt you—but that only magnifies pain. Hateful words block healing. God invites you to speak with kindness and compassion. Match their harshness with gentle words and watch how it transforms you.

Choose to Set Up Healthy Boundaries

Establish boundaries that make it difficult for your parent to hurt you. Honoring them does not mean remaining in the cycle of abuse. Create emotional and physical distance where needed. While apart, pray for them and love them as God intends.

Let them know you’ll be there in true need, but be clear that you need space and will no longer stay in environments that harm your emotional or spiritual growth.

Choose to Embrace Joy, Love, and Peace

You deserve them. No matter what was said to you or taken from you, pursue practices and purposes that bring joy and peace. Seek God—the giver of joy, peace, and love. The more you embrace these, the more you can share them with others.

Choose to Pray for Them

Praying for someone who hurt you is a profound act of love, humility, and trust in God. It acknowledges your own imperfection and entrusts the situation to the One who judges rightly. It also releases expectations of your parent and removes malice from your heart.

Choose to Forgive Them

Forgiveness is hard—especially when your parent never owns the harm or asks for forgiveness. Yet Scripture says: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins.” (Mark 11:25, NIV)

If you want God’s help with your hurt and His forgiveness when you fail (because we all do), forgive the parent who hurt you. You don’t have to bend over backward or be provoked anymore—but you do have to forgive.

Choose to Take Care of Yourself

Years of catering to an abusive parent can make self-care feel selfish; it isn’t. Abuse breeds poor health and choices. Prioritize healing—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Choose to Break the Cycle

You know the pain of being hurt by those meant to love you. Don’t pass that pain on. Honor your parent by refusing to repeat the pattern. Be intentional about becoming a better parent than the one you had. In doing so, you honor God, your parent, yourself, and your children.

It’s not too late to pray for your hurtful parent or to forgive them. Do it for yourself—and because God asks it of you. In time, you’ll see how you’re slowly, surely transformed.